A few nice Anxiety Help images I found:
Help me
Image by unpatitodegoma
Kwak
unpatitodegoma.blogspot.com
National Geographic Magazine (1948) … My 16-year-old daughter wants to get her driver’s license! ….item 2.. Help! My family makes me explode with anger. — Please give me some advice! (February 10, 2012 / 17 Shevat 5772) …
Image by marsmet542
I think we cripple our kids when we hold them back from the reasonable experiences of their peers due to our anxiety. Each step of our children’s independence is difficult for us. It means they are growing up – and away from us. Almost nothing marks that more dramatically than getting a driver’s license and the “freedom” it provides. We have to give them appropriate guidelines (it’s not you we don’t trust, it’s the other guy) and rules, lessons and cautions – and lots of practice. And then we have to let go and recognize that just like everything else, this too is in the Almighty’s hands.
…..item 1)……aish.com….Teenage Driver…Help! My 16-year-old daughter wants to get her driver’s license! Am I being too overprotective?
October 3, 2011 / 5 Tishrei 5772
by Emuna Braverman
www.aish.com/ci/de/Dear_Emuna_Teenage_Driver.html
Dear Emuna,
My daughter just turned 16 and she really wants to get her driver’s license. She is constantly whining about it and complains that we are overprotective. She says that “all the other parents let.” Should be just give in? Is she right?
- Parents of Teenagers
Dear POT,
I think there are at least two separate issues here. One is the oft-repeated expression, “All the other parents let.” If I had a dollar for every time an adolescent said that…It is almost never true and is almost always a tool for manipulation. That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t be flexible. That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t listen to reasonable arguments. That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t evaluate the seriousness of the situation (I have changed my mind and given in to many a sleepover request when it turns out that the other parents do in fact “let”.)
The specific issue at stake is driving. I’ve always been in favor of raising the driving age until I heard some recent study results. Apparently in states where the legal driving age is now 18 instead of 16, there are few accidents among 16-year-olds – for obvious reasons. But guess what has increased? That’s right, the number of accidents in the 18-year-old category. There is no question that driving is risky – and traumatic for the parents. But it is a risk the world accepts. It is part of growing up. It is part of creating adults from children.
I think we cripple our kids when we hold them back from the reasonable experiences of their peers due to our anxiety. Each step of our children’s independence is difficult for us. It means they are growing up – and away from us. Almost nothing marks that more dramatically than getting a driver’s license and the “freedom” it provides. We have to give them appropriate guidelines (it’s not you we don’t trust, it’s the other guy) and rules, lessons and cautions – and lots of practice. And then we have to let go and recognize that just like everything else, this too is in the Almighty’s hands.
- Emuna
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Dear Emuna,
My husband and I have a very good marriage. We can talk about anything and we enjoy each other’s company. Our parenting styles are even in sync. There is only one issue that can sometimes be a source of conflict. My husband is outgoing and gregarious. He loves a big party and a “happening” scene. I am more introverted. I don’t enjoy the noise and commotion of a big gathering. And I especially don’t enjoy the social expectations. I like conversations with a small group of friends. Sometimes I feel like I am holding him back from having fun and that there’s something wrong with me. Doesn’t everyone love a good party?
- Loner
Dear Party Animal – Not,
Only one issue? You are one lucky lady. The Almighty made all different types of people with different character traits. Some are extroverted and some are introverted. Neither quality is morally superior to the other. They are just different aspects of who we are. And we can not be who we aren’t. You and your husband were probably attracted to each other because you each wanted a little of what you lacked, a little of what your partner has. So enjoy it. If your husband had wanted a party girl, he would have married one.
You can each engage in separate activities on occasion where the desires of your natures clash. And, like all other areas of marriage, you may also be required to compromise. You may have to accompany him to some large social gatherings. He may stay home with you and a small group of friends, or maybe just you! You can both learn and grow from each other and from your separate and different experiences. The key is not to judge each other – or yourself. Like I said, neither quality is superior (although sometimes society places more value on the extrovert). This is the way the Almighty made you – and He doesn’t make mistakes.
- Emuna
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Dear Emuna,
We are constantly opening our home to guests. And both my husband and I love it. I don’t mind the effort because I enjoy the experience. Sometimes our guests are friends and sometimes they are strangers. I don’t expect them to help me cook or set the table of even bring a gift (although I happen to think it’s good character and says something about their mother if they don’t). But there is one thing that bothers me.
My husband always clears the table (with my children’s help) and sometimes the guests just sit there while he does. He doesn’t complain but it really bothers me. Any tips on dealing with this?
- (Mostly) Happy Hostess
Dear Hostess,
If your husband’s example doesn’t spur them to get up and clear, it’s hard to imagine anything will, other than perhaps a direct request. It requires a particular obtuseness and self-centeredness to sit idly by, not lifting a finger, as your host clears the table. That is an ingrained bad character trait that you are most likely not going to change. If you want to continue to have guests, you need to make peace with it. I do confess that if the guests are outright rude, this may be their first – and only – invitation. I personally do expect participation in the conversation when people come for a meal (otherwise I feel like a waitress for “party of two at the end of the table”) but maybe some of them are actually more introverted like the writer in question #2 and I am judging unfavorably! You need to be solely a giver – with no expectations of anything in return. It’s the only way to do any type of kindness. And I guess it is just possible that if they watch often enough, you will slowly make an impact – perhaps on their choice of mate anyway.
- Emuna
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…..item 2)… aish.com … HOME CURRENT ISSUES Q&A FOR TEENS …
Q&A for Teens: Bach & the Shouting Match
Help! My family makes me explode with anger.
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img code photo … Bach & the Shouting Match .. Q&A for Teens
media.aish.com/images/QATeenBachShouting230x150-E.jpg
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February 10, 2012 / 17 Shevat 5772
by Lauren Roth
www.aish.com/ci/teen/QA_for_Teens_Bach__the_Shouting_Matc…
Dear Lauren,
I’m tired of my family. They’re always fighting and shouting at each other, especially at me. They’re always criticizing me, yelling at me for any stupid thing and making a big deal out of nothing, until they get the best of me and I shout at them in return, no matter how hard I try not to. What bothers me most is that when they finally make me explode, they always tell me: "Why do you yell at your family?" and they make me feel really bad. They’re the ones that make me explode. They don’t get that I try really hard to keep calm, but with their shouts, insults, and attitude it’s almost impossible. Please give me some advice!
What’s your favorite piece of classical music? (No, “Oops!…I Did It Again” does not qualify as classical music—and neither does “Born in the USA” or even “Sweet Child O’Mine!”) The classical pieces I love best are the Brandenburg Concertos by Johann Sebastian Bach. If you’ve never heard them, do yourself a favor and listen to them (especially No. 5). They’re absolutely divine! (And I bet many of you agree.)
Would you believe they were rejected by the Governor of Brandenburg? Bach composed the pieces and sent them to said governor, querying whether he would like to hire Bach to create music for him on an ongoing basis. In a “Don’t call us, we’ll call you” move, Bach never heard back from the governor. Good thing he kept a copy of the Brandenburg Concertos! The full score was left, unused, in the governor’s library until his death in 1734, when it was sold for what today would be !
My point is this: many great things aren’t recognized, ever, for their greatness. And many great things are only recognized much, much later. Your family might unfairly criticize you. They might yell at you when yelling isn’t called for. Your job is to do the right thing, no matter whether you receive approval from those around you or not.
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So your family criticizes, yells, and hurls insults. I’m sorry for you that you have to deal with the unpleasantness of antagonism. I feel for you because of the pain that must cause you. However, their bad behavior and your reaction to their behavior should be two different entities. I know how hard it is to stand strong in the face of disapproval, but, like Bach, your job in your family circle (your job as a person in this world) is to try your own personal hardest to do what you believe is right, no matter what those around you are doing, and no matter whether you receive accolades from them or emotional rotten tomatoes.
When I talk with children of any age (from age 10 to age 70) who are not getting the approval and positive attention from their parents and other family members that they crave, I try to empower them with the following idea: YOU are the one talking to me, ergo YOU are the one noticing the incorrectness of your family’s behavior, and YOU are the one seeking a better way. Therefore, YOU can absolutely be the one to turn the family dynamic around.
It doesn’t matter that you’re the child and the instigators are the parents; anyone can change the negative cycle of criticism and fighting to a peaceful cycle of giving, sharing, and caring. All it takes is one strong person to have enough self-awareness to pull himself or herself out of the mélange of antagonism, keep his or her head above water, stay calm, and say, respectfully and lovingly, “This is really hurting my feelings. Let’s all be kinder to one another. Can we please talk, instead of yelling?”
It only takes one strong, courageous person with a vision of serenity and peace to change a family dynamic.
The first time you say that, expect the others to yell some expletives, make fun of you, tell you you’re the most unkind of all of them, tell you your “better than thou” attitude is really annoying, or all of the above. But if you consistently stay calm and loving and respectful and refuse to be pulled into the swirling angry maelstrom of emotions, your calming presence can eventually bring the tension levels down and can quiet the inflammatory responses.
It only takes one strong, courageous person with a vision of serenity and peace to change a family dynamic. I’ve seen it happen many times.
I have a good idea: get a copy of Bach’s Brandenburg Concertos. When you feel stressed out and frazzled and horribly angry at your family, go to a calm place and listen to that music. Take many deep breaths. Get yourself centered and calm. Then focus on your goal. Your goal is to do the right thing, no matter what anyone around you is pushing you towards. Think about the fact that this uplifting music was totally rejected, and what an incorrect assessment of the music that was. Realize that your family can make mistakes. They can yell and insult and criticize, but it doesn’t have to push your buttons because you can choose to be better than that. Get yourself calm so you can have a calm discussion with them instead of a shouting match.
I have a favorite quote from Victor Frankl, the founder of a branch of psychology called Logotherapy, and a concentration camp survivor: “Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.” In that space between stimulus and response lies our humanity. In that space between stimulus and response lies our personal spiritual journey that God put us here on Earth for.
You can be the one in your family to change the tune.
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Snappy Stories (June 01, 1926) … Who is this cruel taskmaster, this architect of anxiety? (Sept 18, 2011 / 19 Elul 5771) …..item 2.. Quick to Judge — And did I mention the gorgeous weather? (February 9, 2012 / 16 Shevat 5772) ..
Image by marsmet542
My frustration only grew. How can I be efficient if no one else is? I told myself. (Instead of what I really should have said: “You are becoming a little obsessive; have a drink and go to sleep.")
…..item 1)…..website aish.com….My Relentless Taskmaster…The tyranny of To-Do lists.
Sept 18, 2011 / 19 Elul 5771
by Emuna Braverman
www.aish.com/f/mom/My_Relentless_Taskmaster.html
Help! I’m feeling trapped. My oppressor is a relentless taskmaster, tormenting my waking hours and disturbing my sleep. Whenever I try to settle down this instrument of torture attacks. In the wee hours of the morning (I’m usually available around 4:00 a.m. if anyone wants company!) it pounds away at me relentlessly. Until I finally give in and leave my warm, but no longer comfortable bed to do its bidding.
Who is this cruel taskmaster, this architect of anxiety?
It is my To-Do list.
My To-Do list seems to resemble a scene from Disney’s Fantasia. No matter how quickly I check off items, they are replaced – with even more than I began with. The list overflows like the hapless Mickey Mouse’s buckets of water.
I tried not making a list but that only made the voices in my head scream louder. To preserve my sanity (and that of those around me) I tried to write everything down. That was list was totally and completely overwhelming (you have a similar list, right?) so I sought advice.
My husband, whose interest in the preservation of my sanity is the strongest, suggest that I don’t look at the whole list and just move through each piece slowly and methodically, one at a time. This helped – and dinner is still on the table awaiting him every night (although take-out is sounding very tempting).
But the midnight clamoring persisted. Why aren’t there any offices open at 1 a.m? I have some questions I need answered. Why is shopping the only commercial activity available at that time? And why isn’t everyone else responding to my emails as rapidly as I’m sending them? Don’t they know how busy I am?
Don’t they recognize I’m depending on their answers?
My frustration only grew. How can I be efficient if no one else is? I told myself. (Instead of what I really should have said: “You are becoming a little obsessive; have a drink and go to sleep.")
Perhaps I’m jittery from all the coffee I now need to keep my awake (I console myself with the fact that three to five cups a day are supposed to ward off Alzheimer’s) or perhaps it’s just the ongoing tyranny of that To-Do list. Can someone else please go to the dry cleaner’s and the grocery store?
It’s not a time management or organization issue – I could write those books. It’s strictly a numbers game. There’s just a lot to do. And there’s really no one to blame but me. I took on all my responsibilities – gladly. And I am happy about all of them. Really.
There seems to be only one solution. Hire a personal assistant! No, seriously, I mean a deeper, more spiritual solution. I need help. And while I could (and do) delegate where possible, the real assistance I need is more profound. I need to ask the Almighty to give me the energy and the peace of mind required to accomplish my daily tasks. And I need to remember He’s got my back.
By myself, I’m very limited. With His help, there’s nothing I can’t accomplish. My mistake has been thinking it’s all on me, that it’s all my responsibility. I can breathe a little easier now. I remembered that I have a partner, that the Almighty and I, we’re in this together. Take that To-Do list!
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…..item 2)…. aish.com … HOME FAMILY MOM WITH A VIEW … Quick to Judge
Why is our instinctive reaction all too often to be critical?
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img code photo … Quick to Judge
media.aish.com/images/MomQuickToJudge230x150-EN.jpg
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February 9, 2012 / 16 Shevat 5772
by Emuna Braverman
www.aish.com/f/mom/Quick_to_Judge.html
It was the last day of mid-winter vacation. The sun was shining brightly, the ocean was calm and blue, and the temperature hovered in the mid-70’s (Just threw that in to make New Yorkers jealous!). We hadn’t really taken any family trips during this time so we decided to go out with a bang and go “segway”-ing along the beach. If you haven’t tried it, segwaying (I’m sure it’s not yet a legitimate verb) is a lot of fun – especially when done in such a setting. (I also did it recently in Talpiot on the Haas Promenade overlooking Jerusalem – now that’s beautiful!)
Anyway, the view was spectacular, the weather perfect (did I mention that?) and there was the additional challenge of trying to weave in and out of the pedestrians and bikers. As we passed one group on bikes, I heard one guy mutter to another, as he glanced in our direction, “They are so lazy.”
At first I was outraged. How dare he?! He doesn’t even know me! Should I stop and tell him that I already got my exercise for the day; that I ran on the treadmill before I came to the beach?
Then I began to laugh at the absurdity of the situation. Why did I care what some complete stranger thinks? Why do I feel the need to present him with justification for my activities and choices? A simple “Harumph” or better yet, completely ignoring him would have sufficed.
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Finally I had the most sobering thought of all. I had been him. We frequently go biking at the beach and I always looked at those segwayers (now I’m creating nouns) and thought they were lazy. I felt virtuous and self-righteous about the fact that I was biking and they were cruising. Didn’t they recognize how much healthier my activity was than theirs? Didn’t they care about their bodies and their health? How self-indulgent they were…
It never occurred to me that perhaps, like me last week, they weren’t there for the exercise, that they were just having fun. And even more than that, it was family time. It was an opportunity to see the beautiful California coast.
And worse than that, I was so quick to judge – complete strangers, whose lives I knew nothing about, quick to put a negative spin on their activities and motivations. I may never have muttered the words but my thoughts were loud. I felt embarrassed by my own shallowness.
Why did I feel the need to judge them at all? Sometimes when our feelings are hurt, it can be a challenge to fulfill the mitzvah of judging others favorably. And yet we must try. But in this situation, the other vacationers had done nothing to me. We had no relationship whatsoever. They hadn’t spoken to me. They certainly hadn’t hurt or insulted me. And yet my instinctive reaction was to be critical of them. Not a moment to be proud of. The desire to build ourselves up at the expense of others is so ingrained and so insidious that it requires constant vigilance not to give in to it. I guess my defenses were down (see how I try to judge myself favorably!) as I was caught up in the pleasure of the moment. But we can never relax our defenses because that’s when our base inclinations see their chance to attack and thrive!
I like to think that, besides the fun, the family time and the opportunity to once again appreciate the Almighty’s beautiful world, I gained some perspective, that I made a small stride forward in the area of thinking before I speak, in constantly being on my guard and judging others more favorably.
Turns out it wasn’t only a pleasurable activity (which it definitely was) but a chance for growth as well.
And did I mention the gorgeous weather?
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